Better Man

Oh you’d trade all the money in the world, to see this girl smile. All the while, she’ll make you feel so much better.

Better Man – Paolo Nutini

Have you ever had someone in your life, that whenever you speak about them, your face beams? So much so that people comment on it. That pure adrenaline rush and excitement whenever you hear their name. Let alone speak to them. That’s the dream isn’t it? Someone that puts you first, someone that adores you for who you are.

Following on from my ‘Precious Time‘ blog, I put a call out asking for inspiration and had a few replies. This one stood out though, because it wasn’t just a song title, it was a little request about the interpretation too.

I’m not sure I’m an expert on what makes a better person in a relationship considering I’m single right now, but Lisa, I’ll give it a go. However before I do I need to tell you about Lisa.

I’ve only known Lisa for a couple of months, but if I was to tell you the three things that stand out from my limited interactions with her, they’d be 1) Her love for her boys 2) her dancing and 3) the biggest smile I’ve ever known.

There is a fourth thing but I’ll let the video of naughty alexa speak for itself.

Lisa’s Periscope

I used to always believe that being a better person in a relationship was doing ‘anything’ for your partner. To some extent that’s true, but not if it’s to your detriment. Here’s an example of a past relationship, the first one after I had ‘Failed’ at marriage, I was so desperate to make it work. ‘D’ had gone out on a Bank Holiday Monday with her sisters. Nothing unusual there. I need to add that D had only just connected with one of the sisters who was the product of an affair. I’m not a big ‘at home’ drinker, even in lock down it was once a week at most. Back when I was with D, she would have a glass of wine each night, without fail, sometimes more. Anyway, this particular day she was out in the afternoon, for food and drinks. Now, when I am in a relationship and my other half goes out, I leave them be, of course if they message, I will reply but I never instigate the conversation as they are out. I assumed she’d be back maybe 10/11pm after a full afternoon session. The day wore on and I busied myself with chores before settling down for an evening of sport. As the night fell, the messages were less and less and then at 10pm, I got the dreaded 1 tick on whatsapp, battery must have died. 10pm became 11 and 11 became midnight with still no signs. I messaged her sister to see if she was okay, but the same. One tick. I sloped up to bed, still not overly concerned as they were in a group and despite ‘D’ sometimes not knowing when to stop, she was in good company. 2AM came and went with me tossing and turning and then my thoughts started to wander. What if she had been separated from her sisters, what if some chancer had assured her he would help her and took her off .. I started to feel a little anxious and definitely couldn’t sleep. I tried calling but straight to voicemail. It was just awful. At 4:30 I finally received a message, followed by a whispered phone call. I have NEVER felt so relieved. Clearly still drunk, ‘D’ explained she’d gone back to her sisters to ensure she was home okay, as she put her inside the front door, her sister threw up all over the floor her husband was laying. He came down raging so she stayed to help her clean up. Then must have fallen asleep, but didn’t know where her bag was and her phone was dead so she couldn’t call a taxi. Anyway, I told her I would go and pick her up, rather than have her wait for a taxi and waste money, at least that way I’d know she was safe sooner. I picked her up and as we got home, the birds were tweeting and dawn was breaking. My alarm went off, just one hour later and I went to work. I messaged her at 9am to check she’d got to work okay. No reply. Then again at 10, and to my surprise she told me she’d phoned in sick and was going back to sleep. Amazing, but whats even worse is I never once gave her a hard time for it, such was my desire to please.

So yes, lesson one right there, by all means make someone feel special, but it needs to be balanced. They need to feel lucky too. If you put them on a pedestal, they will believe it. I am not saying don’t go out your way for them. I’m guess I am saying be honest. Knowledge is power and only information can lead to informed decisions. Be honest. We are all guilty of sometimes delaying things or hiding them just to protect someones feelings but TRUST me on this one, it’s much better to be honest. People are scared of change or loss, but if someones going to go because of your honesty to them, chances are they were never going to stay in the first place.

What else makes a better man? Taking an interest, making an effort, from DAY 1. Ask questions? Even in friendships, when I am speaking to someone new, I take an interest, make it fun and different. The amount of times I have been told I am intriguing is insane. Don’t just ask what their fav tv show is or the first record they bought. Ask them things that will make them think and stimulate their mind. As you get older, looks take less precedence than before. People look for their minds and souls to be ignited as well as their eyes.

Be lighthearted. I know I am good fun, I’m easygoing and don’t take myself seriously, a quick look through my media history in twitter proves it. The amount of times I get told I am funny though, yet i still don’t believe it.

Be true, It’s okay to have different interests and whilst it’s nice to occasionally involve someone, it’s also okay to just enjoy what you do with those you do it with.

Pay attention – I guess this will be my longest element of this blog, and that’s exactly what I’m going to say. Pay attention. When she’s talking to you, either face to face or virtually before you meet “Listen”. If you don’t have a weird ass memory like me, make notes of her favourite songs, meals, when her birthday is It’s not that hard. Earlier in the year I was going on a date in an unfamiliar town. I had literally never been there in my entire life. I did a little bit of research, I listened when she said she loved meat but not any pork products like bacon or sausage or gammon etc and after a bit of digging plumped on the Brazilian Rodizio that was the top rated restaurant there on trip advisor. After we went our separate ways, ( we parted on good terms) she thanked me for that meal in particular and told me it was the happiest she can remember being. Nice Huh? All that from just listening and paying attention. Women may seem complex sometimes, but they really aren’t. They want to feel cared for, cherished, they want to feel desired and safe. They want a guy to have their back who they can rely on and not let them down.

Oh That Girl Makes Me Wanna be A Better Man, And Should She See Fit, Gonna Treat Her Like A real Man Can

Paolo Nutini – Better Man

Precious Time

I’ll need heart and I’ll need courage, We all need time, so let time work for us.

The Maccabees – ‘Precious Time’

Recently, I have had a few friends thank me for taking the time to listen to them. It’s been a strange year but I have noticed, as things start to get back to the new normal (kids back at school, workers back in offices) more and more people have had troubles. It’s almost like the Covid-19 bubble was a safe place. In our homes, away from real life, companies that would normally be calling you asking if you had an accident that wasn’t your fault stopped calling, letters asking for charity donations stopped appearing through the letterbox. It was like life was paused.

My Aunt was the kindest person I have ever known. Selfless, generous, caring and kind. She once said to me that the best gift you can give someone is your time. You can’t refund it or exchange it. Since she sadly passed, I have tried more than ever to be kind. I don’t always get it right and I’m afraid to say that I have hurt some people I shouldn’t have. However, I have learned from each and every mistake. As long as you try to be better each day, that’s a good thing right?

So back to my point, life shouldn’t be about expensive gifts, or grand gestures. It’s the little things. One of my friends was walking home late one night, but she was alone and afraid. It was past 1am, but I was half awake so I called her to virtually keep her company. After 20 minutes, I asked how long this walk was, she replied “Sorry, I’ve been home 10 minutes, I just liked talking to you”.

I did a personalised playlist for someone else, and she responded with, ‘It’s the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done ever’. I mean it’s not hard to do a playlist for someone. To pay attention to what they like. But not everyone does.

Another friend was really struggling, she had problems at home, she was stressed to the max with work, her best friend was really unwell, and she had her own health worries to deal with. All in the backdrop of a global pandemic. Each time she unloaded she was apologetic. ‘Sorry I am not much fun’, or ‘You don’t want to hear me complaining’. But I did. If it helped her then why not. I didn’t lose sleep over it, I am not directly impacted, but sometimes saying things out loud to someone with no agenda helps. You kind of discover the answers yourself. You can either think, ‘Yes this is valid’, or ‘What an idiot, what was I thinking?’

Listening without prejudice is such a difficult thing. I am not one for blowing my own trumpet but having been brought up around females, I make a pretty good listener. I’ll let you into my secret. It’s simply listening, don’t make it about you. Don’t say ‘you should do this’. If they ask for advice, phrase it a little better, ‘Well if I was in that situation, I would do this because of xxx’.

Usually people don’t want answers, they want to offload, they normally know deep down what they want. As the song says “and I’ll need heart and I’ll need courage’. It’s about that final step. If you have ever done a bungee or parachute jump, or took a dive in a swimming pool or slid down a steep water slide, the scariest point is that final moment, that leap of faith, that applies in life too. Once you take that plunge, make that decision, and there is no going back It’s liberating and empowering.

Sure, it doesn’t always work out, but it’s so much easier to handle a setback than go stir crazy wondering. The relief of knowing is palpable. Another famous phrase is, ‘It’s the hope that kills you!’ Again this is true. I am so organised and I hate being late, but when things are out of my control, I’d rather be hopelessly late than spend those final moments, worrying, wondering. Once your fate is confirmed, it’s easier to deal with.

Another piece of advice my Aunt gave me was to worry about things you can control. That phrase has saved me many sleepless nights, I mean if you can’t actually change or stop something, you are wasting precious energy that you need for other things. Obviously there are some things such as money worries that you can’t ignore, if the downside leaves you without a roof over your head or food on the table for your family. But, even then there is hope if you talk to someone. There is no point burying your head in the sand like an Ostrich, just be brave and puff your chest out like a Flamingo 🙂 .

Belief

an acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof.

trust, faith, or confidence in (someone or something).

As the night draws to a close on World Suicide Prevention Day, I felt compelled to write something, anything. I dread to think what this years statistics will look like as the fall out of not just the mental effects of lockdown start to take their toll, but also the effect of Covid 19 on those brave brave NHS workers who literally, helplessly, watched people die from this awful disease. That being said, lockdown does seem to have given us something of a renaissance in communicating with people virtually both new and old friends. How many messages did you send to people you had lost touch with, just checking in, seeing how they were doing? or how many new friends did you make on social media like Twitter?

Men aged 45-49 still have the highest rate of suicides.

Samaritans Key Trends 2019

Fortunately, I have never been closely connected to anyone that has taken that dark decision to end their life, believing that it’s the best, or sometimes the only option. I know people who have though, and the lasting impression that this leaves on those left behind, is just as devastating. People thinking, “why didn’t I do something?” Blaming themselves for not seeing the signs or responding to them. People that take their own lives, aren’t cowards, it’s a daunting step to do something where you know it will lead to your final breath. It leaves an indelible mark on those left behind, who are left with a life sentence of their own coming to terms with such a sad, cruel, and in many cases avoidable loss.

Suicide rate for females under 25 in England & Wales has risen by 93.8% since 2012

Samaritans Key Trends 2019

I’ve been there. Only once and once was enough to scare me senseless. I was nineteen, maybe twenty. I was a cocktail bartender in a busy town centre pub. The managers there were, (and still are) like a second family to me. I worked with my oldest friend, who I had grown up with from the age of 3. I had a loving family. Yet still, STILL, that dark winters night, when my confidence had taken a beating, I thought for a few moments about just ending it all.

The pub was 2 miles from my home, and after we finished serving at 11pm (ask your parents you young uns) I would sometimes call at the Asda and grab a bite to eat. Then I’d stick a film on my Playstation 2 (usually Men in Black or Independence Day (The originals not these reboot shite)) and settle down ready for my alarm to go back to work in the morning. This one night though, I didn’t go to Asda, I just felt numb. I got in my little Blue Ford Escort and sat looking up at the moon and the stars. I have always been fascinated by the moon, especially when you can see the craters. It looks so peaceful and still up there, and at that point, that’s what I felt like I wanted. I turned the ignition, and started the journey home. About a third of the way home, there is a railway bridge, and the road narrows as the bridge juts out at an awkward angle. I started to pick up speed as it’s pretty much a straight line to that point. The only movement came from my eyes as I checked the speed, and my right foot as I continued to press hard on the accelerator. I was way over the speed limit as my hands froze, locked on the wheel not moving it to steer me away from the stonewall structure of the bridge. The road was desolate, as was my heart at that moment. I don’t even know why. I didn’t even have a girlfriend at that time such was my luck in love. Maybe that’s what it was, maybe I just felt lonely. As the car moved ever closer to the bridge, my heart pounding so loud it felt like it would burst my ear drums, my eyes staring only at the structure in front of me, something caught my eye. It could have been a cat or a fox, or even just a weird reflection, but in that instance I snapped out of it, eased my foot of the accelerator and steered gently away from the bridge safely home.

I guess my point is, as a young lad, with not a care in the world, with good friends and family, it can happen to anyone. I consider myself fortunate really. That I have people that believe in me.

Belief is such a precious commodity, and the first step for anyone with troubles is having someone believe in them. It’s coming up to 12 months since I made a new friend on Twitter. She was funny, and kind, but so very sad. Her life had been turned upside down when her partner cheated with a neighbour. She had to face this reality every day, getting anxious every time she left the house. We first started talking about writing, and I encouraged her (as I do with anyone) to write. People worry about if it’s any good. My view is, I am writing as my release, my escape, so as long as I like it, I don’t mind what others think. Of course, it’s lovely when someone says your writing resonated with them or they enjoyed it but when you start to like what you write, you believe in yourself. Anyway, my friend told me that she always wanted to live by the sea. When an opportunity came up a few months later, I encouraged her, “Why can’t you?” I gave her some belief and a little encouragement and she decided to do it. here we are and she is a world away from those dark times, living by the sea. She still says that my belief in her was a big factor that led her to make that choice, but to me it was nothing. Just a bit of kindness and honesty. Big things aren’t big things when you take them apart.

Belief can also be a bad thing. I won’t focus too much on it, but not everything is black and white. Just because someone has a good reputation, doesn’t mean they are telling the truth. Sometimes it can be their version of the truth which is a very different matter. I know that there are 3 sides to every story, so I try not to form opinions based on someone else’s feedback. I take people as they come, and treat them accordingly. In this day and age though, we each have a responsibility with regards to what we are saying, especially on social media, when it is put out there on a platform, for all to see forever.

Is It True, Is It Kind, Is It Necessary

Bernar Melter

I see many people tweeting about mental health, but sometimes these are the ones not adhering to the quote above and it makes me so sad. But, for every unkind person there are a whole heap of kind ones. You see, when people believe in you, eventually you start to feel it yourself. Especially when those people are practically strangers, who ultimately owe you nothing. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the kindness of strangers who are now friends. Likewise, I try and pay it back, I can think of two people in particular who just give without asking and feel guilty for taking. Two people who feel every heartache and almost cry every tear for someone else who is hurting. The biggest compliment I can give myself is that they allowed me in. They trust me with things, and seem to appreciate my ear or words.

I guess my final point is to stress to anyone who is reading this, who is having a bad day, or week or month or year … I’ll be there for you. (Oh come on you sang the theme in your head right?)

Seriously though, I would hate for anyone reading this to think they have no one. There is always a way, help is there, and the hardest part is asking for it. You can contact me via my blog or by Twitter. I can’t promise I can fix anything, but I can promise I will listen and give my perspective. No judgement. There are so many little things that can be done to make yourself feel brighter, but you’ve got to want to.

I will ALWAYS leave a light on for anyone that needs it.

If you are too embarrassed to speak to me then please try and contact The Samaritans or CALM it can even be done via webchat these days if you don’t like the sound of your own voice (who does) . #BeKind

VPC and Me…

As I sit writing this, the final preparations are being made for the twelfth and final #VirtualPubCrawl. Over the course of the last 4 months, the airwaves of Radio Matlock have, on every other Saturday been filled with the best in Indie music courtesy of Redders.

If you stumbled upon this blog by any other means than twitter, you probably will wonder what on earth I am going on about, so here’s a brief summary.
#VirtualPubCrawl started out as the brainchild of Indie Rob as a way to cope with lockdown and spend a Saturday with your mates down the virtual pub. It quickly grew and once Redders was on board, the platform was set. Add in some awesome logo’s and merchandise from Russ (Brandsintheair) and everything was good to go. Saturday afternoon’s consisted of music, drinking (not essential but recommended to cope with the mayhem) and a whole army of twitter folk, commenting, sharing and liking posts.

I first stumbled across the crawl at the end of May courtesy of a selfie from the beautiful Shiner Sam. Sam posting selfies isn’t anything new, and to be honest with you, there are many MANY worse things to see on the internet aren’t there (even on a bad day with bed head she’s a solid 9.5)? However, this selfie was different. She was posing in a fancy tee and having a drink. I clicked on the hashtag and my screen filled with tweets from a whole host of people from different places. I had followed Sam on my old account and she just struck me as someone always smiling, obviously loved music (new and old) and just had something about her. So, I started following the crawl and whilst not joining in, I listened to the show. Sam later became a part of the team officially, and following the crawl will be hosting a regular show all about new music. Giving bands that wouldn’t get airtime much needed publicity. She really doesn’t see how valuable the tweets are for the artists she merely listens to, but she brings them to a wider audience and sends them on their way of reaching people they probably wouldn’t otherwise. It’s a wonderful thing she does without even realising and even better than that I get to message her most days and call her one of my very closest friends.

Back to the story, I saw that the next VPC was on the 6th June and made sure I wasn’t busy.. (jokes) Lockdown was in full swing and this community was not only making the most of the Saturdays, I also discovered that they were raising money for a little hospice in Hartlepool, (Rob’s home town). Alice House Hospice is a small hospice doing incredible things for those with loved ones affected by a life limiting illness. Ensuring people get the care and support they need at the most difficult of times. I think I am right in saying that Rob just wanted to raise £300 for them initially. As it stands right now, the VPC has just raised £8000. YES EIGHT THOUSAND POUNDS. I can’t imagine what that does for a small charity like this, but regardless, for a group of folk that just love music, it’s a pretty outstanding effort for just having a laugh every other Saturday. It’s what Rob intended the VPC to be about in the first place and has exceeded all expectations. What Rob didn’t realise, was by having this aim of raising a few quid for the hospice and having a laugh with some friends, something far greater was born.

Anyway, now you have the background, I’m gonna tell you about what the VPC means to me. It’s been an incredibly humbling experience. I get teased endlessly, but as often is remarked, I bring it on myself. It’s always in good spirits and full of affection. I remember being completely lost at first, not knowing anyone, like the new kid at school, and I will always be thankful to Al Burke for talking to me that first day and being my OG. She’s a brilliant young lady, a great writer and full of enthusiasm for new bands. I mean we won’t talk about the DM slide she received because of talking to me, but needless to say it set the tone for the hilarity of the VPC for me.

Throughout the VPC, my following has grown and grown and grown. I have spoken to so many people and now I even get followed by bands just because of my involvement. I really don’t think they know what they are letting themselves in for.

It’s the community that I don’t think Rob could have ever dreamed of being formed. I have already met 2 people purely because of the crawl and even without the VPC live event in Octber, I know that would have grown, because the crawl is about the people.

People supporting people, strangers bonding not only over music but just the strangest of things. Who can ever forget the Flamingo’s. Now, I am going to let you into a little secret. The flamingo pants were just an accident. I had ordered myself a VPC t shirt from Russ, and was excited at debuting it on the crawl. I tweeted that when I had finished work I was going to slip into something more comfortable. Meaning the tee. HOWEVER, the gaffer (ROB) picked up on this and tweeted about it. I panicked a bit as every fecker had worn the t shirts so it wasn’t nearly as exciting for anyone but me. I tried to blag Rob by saying I’d only show if I got something like 25 RT. (bear in mind Rob had thousands of followers but I’d never had even 5 retweets on a tweet so I though I was safe). OH NO. Rob made sure I wasn’t so I then had to think of something that would stand out. I’d done my washing (you know cos I am a house trained, clean conscientious bloke… form a queue ladies) and there were my flamingo boxers.So bingo, I have a decent arse (I know, I know) so i lay on my plush rug and took a couple of snaps and away we went. I didn’t think it would get any attention at all and would be forgotten about by the Sunday morning hangovers, yet here we are 2 months later, and it’s there in VPC folklore. The amount of love I got on my birthday, Chippy and Mrs.Chippy with Dave the flamingo. Jake and Kirst with their flamingo tribute on their new garden bar. I can never ever tell people how important that was for me.

Lockdown was shit, Like really shit, but thanks to everyone, it won’t be what I remember 2020 for. I’ll remember despite being alone for 12 gruelling weeks, unable to see my daughter or mum or sisters, I never once felt lonely. When I felt rejected in other parts of my life, I never felt anything but welcomed by the VPC crew. To think I have grown up in the same town as Gems and Matt but never crossed their path, but thanks to the VPC, I know I have friends for life in my home town. It’s hard to put into words how much everyone has been a shining star for me. Further afield there’s my Scottish pals Sarah, Robbie, Alan, and Kris. Sarah called me last week, and despite not being able to understand a word she said, (think Jimmy Crankee on acid) shes an absolute beaut. We have a shared love of Alan Partridge and again I know that we will be pals for life and see each other, whether in Wigan or Scotland.

Then there are the guys, like Gary, Danny, Richie, Mike, Rob and Ady. All legends in their own lunchtime. Gary took my VPC tweet up virginity and it was just the best. We sat and chatted like old friends, he was as nice in person as he seems on twitter (when he’s not being a tw4t) . Again another friend for life and a salt of the earth guy. Danny sent me a flamingo gift, just well, for nothing and it made my day. Richie always checks in and has a giggle, usually at my expense. Mike with his unending love of the Lathums and just the funniest dancing vids ever! Rob, I recently discovered lives near to me too, so that is another excuse for a pint. Then Ady, another one to get his own show soon, who always checks in, and gives you the most precious gift anyone can. their time.

Onto the ladies, Lelly who produced the amazing video for VPC and who along with SSC never lets up about my arse pic, when we speak, along with 3 beautiful women who will have the pleasure of my company in a few weeks. Andie who, despite me previoulsy often wondering if she actually likes me or tolerates me (tw4t), has shown herself to be one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out. Then Paula another beaut with an accent to die for but who has the kindest biggest heart. The first person to send me anything and she just makes my wee face hurt from smiling. Finally Emma completes the terrible trio. Someone who I only started talking to properly recently, after she restarted a thread that blew up not long ago and I dmd her to tell her off. Again, a surprising connection that came from nowhere that I just cherish so much with the weird and wacky convos we have.

I could go on all night with bands like Revivalry immersing themselves in the community and just being amazing, and I know there are others I will have missed out but you are probably all bored now.

I am going to finish by saying thank you. I love you all incredibly. You have changed so many lives, not just mine, and the world is a much better place for the VPC. Rob you should be immensely proud mate. You have genuinely created something special that will never be forgotten. You have probably unwittingly connected people that may have saved each other, if not literally, mentally. You have given people a platform to create bonds and friendships that have literally changed lives. I just cannot express how much this means to so many.

Just Thank You….

Music And Lyrics

No no, not the ‘noughties’ Hugh Grant Rom-com silly. I just mean literally Music & Lyrics. I have heard a phrase uttered in many different ways but basically relates to
“When you’re happy you hear the melody, but when you’re sad you hear the lyrics”
It’s true, as a rugby league fan, there are songs that are played at the end of both major finals. Having been fortunate enough to witness my side win many finals, whenever I hear the opening chords to Depeche Modes’ Just Can’t Get Enough or Hermes House Bands version of Country Roads I can’t help but be transported back to those stadiums, a sea of cherry and white, and smiling faces, of friends and strangers but particularly of my daughter. But it’s those distinctive sounds that bring a smile to my face.

Conversely, when I hear Mr.Brightside, despite the catchy guitar riff, it’s the lyrics that remind me of a love once lost.

It Started Out With A Kiss, How Did It End Up Like This

The Killers – Mr Brightside

Additionally, Fleetwood Mac’s Go Your Own Way

Loving You, Isn’t The Right Thing To Do

Fleetwood Mac – Go Your Own Way

My final example was actually quoted to me by someone about me, when I kinda messed up something before it even had a chance. Blackout by Freya Ridings.

If you’d have just let me in, who knows what could have been…

Freya Ridings – Blackout

Even songs with no meaning to me, make me feel in the moment, like no other artform can.
Another song by Freya Ridings always hits me hard.
Lost without you
“Standing at the platform, watching you go, it’s like no other pain, I’ve ever known.
To Love someone so much, to have no control, you said I wanna see the world and I said Go.”
Typing this whilst listening to the song, with a lump in my throat. you see love is the most powerful emotion. It can lift you up and slam you down, like nothing else on earth. Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts, that you spend nights alone, not sleeping because you are consumed by thoughts of that person? Sometimes they are good thoughts, excited because you get to see them tomorrow. Sadly, other times they are grief riddled thoughts, praying for that message to come through, worrying if they are safe, or if they are being faithful. Gut wrenching, pit of the stomach fear.

Even songs of Friendship can send a shiver down your spine. One of the most powerful songs I have ever heard is Tom Walkers’ – I Will Leave A Light On

If you look into the distance, there’s a house upon a hill,
Guiding like a lighthouse, it’s a place where you’ll be safe to feel our grace,
Cos we’ve all made mistakes, if you’ve lost your way.
I will leave a light on

Tom Walker

Although the song is about a friend losing their way with drugs, it’s poignant on so many levels. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Some bigger than others, but when you’re at rock bottom, the relief when someone takes time for you, that tells you it’ll be okay is indescribable. They might not know it, or believe it, but it’s critical for someone to have faith in you. Once you start believing in yourself again, then you can start to build and flourish.

2020 has been quite a year. My 2019 was pretty crap and as the clock struck on New Year I thought, ‘thank goodness this year is over, next year will be better’. In many respects it hasn’t been. Having a temporary career change, not being able to see my close family because of the Rona’s. A Twitter shitstorm ( which maybe I will write about one day ) It’s definitely been a year of Lyrics rather than Melodies.

However, despite all the downs, losing people that I believed were important and wanted to be a part of my life, there have been many highs too. People I never in a million years expected to stand by me did. I encountered a new crowd of people on twitter and they are all incredible. I’ve connected with people over writing and especially music. I’ve not had any negative experiences and I have found some people that I absolutely cherish. They’ve helped me find the melody in life. A simple message, a tag, a DM makes me smile so much. Being accepted into the #VirtualPubCrawl has been amazing. Every other Saturday my phone goes nuts as people from all over comment and share and follow. All in the name of good music, good laughs and even raising money.

I guess I will end by saying that in my darkest moments in 2020, when I have sat up at night, staring at my phone, wondering if it was me. When I have just sobbed for no reason at all, or over people that ultimately didn’t care. Those deep dark moments have only enhanced how happy I am when things are going right, to cherish them and enjoy them because they should never be taken for granted. Life really is too precious and too short. We only get one crack of it and every day spent being miserable is a day wasted. I am not dismissing those that have very real issues, and my heart goes out to them, but there’s always help, IF you are willing to help yourself. Keep smiling and try to hover towards the songs that give you melodies rather than lyrics when you’re feeling down.

Musically Ranting #2 – Soundtrack of my relationships

Reading Jae’s latest prompt, made me wonder about what to write. For some reason her writing resonates with me inexplicably. I don’t have a significant other, so would I write about family, or friends? As it turns out, neither but I thought i’d do a mixtape, I won’t say of exes as, well, that wouldn’t strictly be true. So it’s my mixtape of exes, encounters, loves lost, or never experienced and one incredibly special lady. So sit back, pour yourself a drink and in true charts style, you can run down my top 10.

Kissing You – Des’ree.

The girl that took away my innocence. Long distance love existed in those days you know. We were from totally different circles. I was a working class kid from the north west and she was on the east side of the country from an extremely wealthy family. Her mum made me so welcome, and I later discovered it was because of her dislike of her daughters ex. Our first date was to the cinema watching Romeo and Juliet and it mesmerised me. This song always reminds me of a wonderfully short lived time in my life where I knew I didn’t belong. Almost like Romeo and Juliet really.

Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac

A song so beautifully poetic, and applicable to any failed relationship. We never had a relationship as such, and it was a short lived summer, but what a summer. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. I helped her secure a qualification and promotion and she gave me the best birthday I have had for a long time including seeing Fleetwood Mac. But again it was never ever going to last. I’d never really had a ‘one that got away’ before but I think this was the first but not the last.

Mr Brightside – The Killers

Mrs Brightside, we met at a casino (working not gambling) and stayed up all night talking after I checked she had got home in the snow that cold December night. Our first date was me doing her washing up (which many people told her meant I was a keeper) and we had a fantastic 12 months together. Holidays, gigs, birthdays. I even helped her with her filming of weddings and we had a blast. Sadly, things weren’t meant to be. Insecurities consumed us and a traumatic New Years Eve was the end of something once beautiful.

Hedonism – Skunk Anansie

A song that meant very little, now takes me back to someone I barely knew. For once, I was chased, and it flattered me. Young, pretty, funny. She knew what she was doing and got me exactly where she wanted me. But that night will live with me forever, and as hot as it was, it possibly isn’t for the right reasons. However this song, is more appropriate than ever given the circumstances and the lyrics always take me back. Someone that came and went like a ghost in the night but impacted me forever.

Buffalo Stance – Neneh Cherry

A song from my youth, that reminds me of someone from my present. Beautiful smile, killer eyes, always swishing her pony. This song came on my playlist once just as she messaged me about it. Now, anything 80’s brings me to her and she makes me smile often. No one knows what the future holds and she won’t be around forever, but I know that this song will always remind me of something and someone magical (and I am so gonna nail that rap one day).

Blackout – Freya Ridings

She was a what could have been. We connected, a connection that rarely happens. She is beautiful, funny, sexy, kind, elegant. But a lack of confidence and some poor reading of signals (both on my part) meant that a mistake was made which I could never recover from. To hurt someone you really barely know, so much, was gut wrenching. Part of me will always wonder what if, but sadly I will never know.

Sit Down – James

Curtains hair cut, baggy mustard jeans, ‘naf naf’ jacket. I was a catch… My first crush in high school. I was absolutely dreadful with girls back then (some things never change) and I was always the guy that would sit patiently on the school fields, drinking cider on a friday night, listening to her tell me how horrible the boys had treated her. I knew even then I was kind and would have been so good for her, but as the chubby kid with no confidence I was forever in the friendzone.

I Think We’re Alone Now – Tiffany

My first actual crush was a teaching assistant in primary school. I was maybe 8 or 9 and this teacher looked like Tiffany. I absolutely adored her and was thrilled when on a school trip to the zoo, she held my hand most of the day (the teacher not Tiffany) and I was convinced I would marry her.

Steal My Sunshine – Len

My first experience of an online connection. Sweet Aline (I’ll name her hoping she somehow reads this after all this time), the all-american sweet heart that did cheerleading. Sun kissed blonde hair. We spoke on AOL most evenings and spoke about music and life across the pond. It was my first pure connection as we just spoke knowing we would never meet or be together. She was older than me too which again was new on me. This song takes me back so much and always make me think of that god awful dial up screeching.

Pompeii – Bastille

A bit of a cheat one this, but that’s okay. It’s a song I cherish because my daughter thankfully shares my eclectic taste in music rather than her mums taste. I absolutely adore this song but one day we were driving in the car and she piped up “Dad, can you put that song on you like, the one about the wolves?” I was completely bemused but eventually it was just her misheard lyric “When the wolves come tumbling down” and now I always picture cartoon wolves ‘roly-polying’ down a hill.

There, you have 10 songs that take me back to different people who I have cared about immensely at some point in my life. Some I still speak to, others, I have let go or have chosen to let go of me. I hope you’ve maybe learned something about me or discovered a song you may have not heard or at least heard in a while. If you have Apple Music you can listen to my soundtrack here

Who knows if and when that playlist will grow…

Unconditional Love

Loving Someone you barely know.

Imagine for one second, that you had the unconditional love of someone for seven months. Someone so ecstatic you were in their life, they performed cartwheels in front of strangers. How sweet to know that someone had nothing but unconditional, unadulterated love for you.

Sounds perfect right? The stuff that happens only in movies. I mean real life gets in the way of everyone doesn’t it and we get tired and emotional. Misunderstandings and miscommunication causes all sorts of anxiousness, unrest, jealousy.

Now imagine, knowing that, but not being able to experience it. Imagine craving all of that but never feeling it. The purest most perfect love,, that was there but out of reach. Heart wrenching surely. But, despite the nature of this post, you might believe me when I say I feel like I am the lucky one.

The 25^th May 1940, was the day that my dad was born. Whilst World War Two was gaining momentum, along came a baby, that led me to be sat here writing this. You see, I don’t remember my dad. He was taken away cruelly from me when I was just 7 months old. I grew up without him, I don’t remember when I understood he wasn’t there. He just never was. Sure I was jealous of the kids with the whole family. The dads that took their son to rugby, camping and fishing. The dads that took apart motorcycles and cars.

Just last year, I got help with my car and was taught a few basic things. Someone that looked out for me when I worked for them. When I looked up at the sun that day and took it all in, a tear rolled down my cheek. I realised what I’d missed out on. Dad would definitely have taught me all of these things and some.

My dad could turn his hand to anything. He was clever, funny, kind, was captain of the local cricket team. He worked down the pits but when they closed he trained to be a teacher and taught troubled kids in a rough area in Liverpool. He was training to be a pilot and MADE model aeroplanes. How cool is that!

Dad’s Spitfiire

Do I think of him often? Hell yes! Would I alter my path? Hell No

I used to be angry he wasn’t there. Every birthday and every new year my heart ached, wondering what it would have been like. I’d take a moment alone. My 21^st birthday arrived and was a Saturday. I worked in a bar at the time and my school friends were at University (I wasn’t brave enough to go to Uni). Everyone and I mean everyone expected me to have the night off, but I felt insulted. A night off to do what? Be alone! All my friends at Uni were in the middle of exams. All my friends from the bar were working in the middle of a World Cup (France 98) so I politely declined and pleaded to work. They only relented when I finally snapped back.

“For fucks sake, it’s MY twenty first and I WANT to work. If I had a choice I’d go to the pub for a quiet pint with my DAD but seeing as no one can make that happen, I’ll work please!!”

They obviously relented and I worked. The bar was decorated with posters of me, the screen displayed messages for me. I only ended up working for about an hour and half and then I was spoiled with drinks and gifts” But I still took that moment alone, and thought about Dad later on.

Would I have played cricket at a high level? Would I have flown model aircraft? I think so, but in my Twilight Traveler post for Carolyna Luna states. I wouldn’t change anything. In one of those parallel universes somewhere, there’s no lockdown and Covid-19 and I have made him his favourite dessert (whatever that is, I’ll have to ask my mum) and I am toasting his 80^th birthday.

But here and now, I will just toast him with a scotch later. I take comfort in how excited he was to be finally having a boy. Our only Christmas together he set up a model trainset for me despite me being only 6 months. It’s a photo I cherish.

Yours truly – Christmas 1977

I used to be so annoyed when kids would say “I Hate my dad!” I longed to have real feelings about my dad, they didn’t realise how lucky they were, but as you get older you realise families aren’t perfect, and some of you will have reasons for wishing nothing to do with your dad. I get it. So that’s why I am lucky. A perfect love, a man I can put on a pedestal because he never let me down. A man that cherished me every day, singing Johnny Mathis ‘When a child is born’ endlessly annoying my mum, waiting for me to arrive.

I know I have made mistakes, as we all do. However I think I am a decent person. I certainly believe I inherited his kindness from what others have said and I hope I have done him proud.

So Dad, Happy Birthday. I Love You. David x

Words As Weapons – Birdy

A message sent to another tweeter, prompted a follow from Jae Lynn. We spoke briefly and I was astounded to see this prompt proudly on her twitter. You see, unbeknownst to Jae, I have been working on a side project linking Music and Writing, and triggered by the exact same song, which will be my first post. Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Go your own way‘.

So without further ado, here’s my song for Jae, and whilst not a song that defines me, I believe it’s more appropriate than ever in the current climate, where all that we can offer many people, including loved ones, are words.

I feel your knife as it goes right in, cut to my core but I’m not bleeding.
All that you say trying to make me small, well the bigger you get, the harder you fall.

You use your words as a weapon, dear. But your blades don’t hurt when you have no fear.
You think that you’re deep under my skin, You’re trying to keep me suffering.
If you use your words as a weapon, then as a weapon, I’ll shed no tears.

You have my heart but I lock it up, this burning flame has been burnt enough.
My window’s cracked, but they can be replaced. But your arm will tire throwing stones my way.

You use your words as a weapon, dear. But your blades don’t hurt when you have no fear.
You think that you’re deep under my skin. You’re trying to keep me suffering,
If you use your words as a weapon, then as a weapon, I’ll shed no tears.

Birdy – Words as Weapons – Written by Jasmine Van Den Bogaerde, Ryan Tedder.

Before I talk to you about this particular Song, I need to take you back in time, to the very first memory I have of finding inner strength, of overcoming fear, just for a little background. So let me rewind just over thirty years.

I don’t come from a conventional family as my dad passed away when I was a baby. So my mum worked when I was at school. Obviously during summer holidays, this presented a problem, so I spent most of them at my Grandmas. I loved it, whenever I went there, I had a shiny new matchbox car waiting for me that she’d got from the supermarket we often walked to. She used to let me slurp the froth off her Mackeson stout (a drink very similar but not as widely known as Guinness). It was great too, as she lived very close to my best friend.

It’s quite strange as I think we only became friends as we shared the same name. No, not first name, the same full name. I guess that’s what we bonded over and here we are some 39 years later, still friends. So back to circa 1989, we wandered up by the canal, and over the ‘rabbit rocks’. It was one of those hazy summer days, clear blue skies and not a care in the world. That kind of day that lives with you forever, where you can still smell the freshly cut grass. Life was simple back then, I’d certainly not encountered feelings for girls, and despite my best friends popularity with the members of the opposite sex, we were still mostly innocent kids. This particular day there was a bigger group of us, maybe four or five and as young boys do, we egged each other on, trying to push the boundaries. Not wanting to be the first to back down. Our parents weren’t particularly fond of us going by the canal, but we were mainly sensible and never the naughty kids that were disrespectful or trouble makers. We just liked having fun.

This one day, we went beyond our usual limits, to a wooded area, it’s name escapes me for the moment, but when we got there, we were doing the usual stuff, exploring, looking for hidden treasure (usually porn mags cast aside in the bushes), playing pranks. Then out of nowhere, we heard this almighty roar, smelt that unmistakable smell of motorbike fuel, and within seconds we surrounded by a gang of older kids tearing around on scrambler bikes. My heart was racing, back in those days, you could get beat up for nothing. I wasn’t from a really rough area, and I shied away from trouble and confrontation, but here, stuck in the middle of the woods, well it was every boy for himself. It was a game of cat and mouse and everytime we darted in the open, the bikes would be on us, circling their prey.

Then it happened, my brain started to override my heart. Logic dictated that well, they didn’t want to hurt me, they merely wanted to scare me. Why would they risk hurting me and getting in trouble, or injuring themselves or damaging their precious bikes? They wouldn’t! I found the strength and I got out from my hiding place and I walked right in the track. They surged past me. The smell of burning rubber as they revved their machines, like a bull scraping it’s foot on the ground, preparing to charge the matador. But there were no histrionics, no swirling and twirling. My actions were more of a red rag as they knew I wasn’t afraid. They whizzed by and I could feel the lump in my throat, my eyes stinging as I held back the tears, but I did it, and my friends followed suit. We’d won and they soon dispersed.

The pen is mightier than the sword.

Edward Bulwer-Lytton

*SNAP* Okay, now we are back in the present day, and as I have started to write over the last few years, this song has resonated with me so much. Words are so powerful and they really are ‘Mightier Than The Sword’. You can lift and destroy someone with words and when you use them as a weapon, you can cause the recipient so much damage. You can play on their insecurities and fears. This song has helped me overcome my own instances of abuse. We all get them, and suffer, sadly. We just all need to find that light bulb moment, to feel that burden lift as the fear is replaced.

“My windows cracked, they can be replaced, but your arms will tire throwing stones my way.” This sentence is the one that really struck me.
You see it’s true, people can damage and hurt you with words, they can cause you moments of panic, pain and suffering. But nothing is permanent. Time heals and you evolve as a person.
Sure you’re not the original window, but next time you’re made of stronger glass. You have a different frame that can withstand greater punishment, but you still remain. Whereas the stone throwers, once you starve them of attention, move on. Maybe they find another victim, maybe they change their ways. But you always remain.
I hope that if you never knew the song existed, you enjoy it. Even if you already knew the song, maybe you have taken something from my words.
Thanks again Jae for the wonderful prompt.

Smut Marathon – Round Four

The Assignment

The assignment was:

Write a story that features dancing.

Specific requirements:
– Your story is between 275-325 words in total. No less, no more.
– Give your story a title of maximum 2-4 words

@Rebelsnotes

Dinner Dance #33

“Pass the knife please babe, I’ll chop the mushrooms.”

Melissa smiled warmly as Daniel responded. She wasn’t used to someone cooking with her and despite her love of fine dining, this was different, imaginative, thoughtful. It was her first time staying over, yet already, she felt at ease.

Daniel poured two glasses of wine as they prepared dinner, “I picked up profiteroles too.”

Melissa bit her lip, coyly questioning, “Is that all you want for dessert?”

Daniel looked her up and down, sporting her favourite polka dot dress with sheer stockings, just as promised.

“Music?” she enquired, already pairing the speaker before Daniel even answered. As she seductively stirred cream into the white sauce, he moved behind her. Just as the chords to her favourite song chimed out, Daniel grabbed Melissa’s arm, spinning her around, her feet gliding across the tiled floor.

“Shall we?” he grinned, as Lennon’s vocals blared out, ‘I Want You’. Their bodies pressed together, lost in each others eyes, swaying, rhythmically to the beat. Melissa felt Daniel’s hand grip her arse, pulling her closer as they gyrated, grinding on his thigh.

Bodies twisted, their mouths finally connected, Daniel tugged firmly at her lower lip. Moaning into the kiss as he hardened against her, taking her hand, pulling her into a pirouette. Daniel led Melissa to the dining table, resting her forearms upon it. Lifting her dress, revealing her lack of underwear, Daniel’s breathing hitched at the sight.

Unbuckling his jeans, sending them tumbling to the floor. Pressing his tip against her already soaked entrance, he pushed forcefully inside. Melissa groaned her approval, their rhythm matching the beat, their dance turning carnal. Wrapping her long blonde hair around his hand, pulling her onto tiptoes, pounding deep inside her. Moving his hand round to pinch and tease her clit, moaning her name as he frantically brought her to a shuddering climax.

“We’d better finish making this lasagne, I’m even hungrier now.”

The Feedback

Beforesunset49 – “33. Dinner Dance – It’s a sexy scene but it needs more context and character to engage me. Reading this, I realised how writing in the third person, as an anonymous narrator, makes it particularly challenging to convey your protagonists in three dimensions. How different might it have been if you’d written this story from the point of view of either Daniel or Melissa?”

Dirty Romantic – “33) DINNER DANCE – this was a nice scene. Well written and thought out. The scene was believable and an element of background to get me interested. Just not quite enough to make it stand out from others though”

AuthorJenDragon –

33) DINNER DANCE

I’m a sucker for scenes that riff on domesticity and traditional gender roles, while also subverting them. Here the pairing of an almost 50s aesthetic with, well, the ‘pairing’ of a speaker is particularly satisfying, as are the opening and closing lines, their shared nonchalance illustrating just how much spontaneous sex infuses this couple’s lives, whilst also beautifully bookending the narrative. A strong contender for a vote.

Marie Rebelle – 33. Dinner Dance
I like how the way you have built up this story almost feels like music that starts gently and then builds up to a crescendo, and a nice, satisfying ending. There are some sentences that don’t have an active verb, which (to me) came across as a slightly false note in your music, such as “Moaning into the kiss as he hardened against her, taking her hand, pulling her into a pirouette.” and “Unbuckling his jeans, sending them tumbling to the floor.” and “Wrapping her long blonde hair around his hand, pulling her onto tiptoes, pounding deep inside her.”
Editor:
* “lost in each others eyes” should be “lost in each other’s eyes”.
* Remove comma after ‘swaying’ in “swaying, rhythmically”.
* Overused words: -ly adverb (remove 1), initial – ing (remove 5), feel/feels/feeling/felt (remove 1).
* Summary: Overall = 94/100 (Grammar: 82 / Spelling: 100 / Style: 100)
* Flesch Reading Ease: 67.2

Brigit Delaney – 33.Dinner Dance *
Star: I get a good sense of the connection between these two characters.
Star: I found this to be both romantic and sexy.
Wish: The sex bit was over so quickly! Damned word count.

Marsha Adams –

33) A hot scene (all urgent fucks over kitchen tables get my attention) that doesn’t quite make the grade due to telling, not showing, at times (I want to know what “seductive stirring” looks like) and some incongruous word choices (e.g. “blared” for Lennon’s vocals, which aren’t loud or harsh; and “coyly questioning” where ‘asking’ would have been simpler, and nothing at all would have been better still because the lip bite and the question mark could do the job of showing without telling). And as a keen cook, I don’t think they’re going back to making lasagne, because that sauce is ruined. 

May More –

33) DINNER DANCE

I took this relatively normal scene through in my cut as for me it worked. It was hot but also I liked all the detail you included. Things like knowing what song they were listening to – which by the way I love the one you chose.

Beware of making an event read like a list.

Here are all the entries for Round Four of Smutmarathon

Smut Marathon – Round Three

The Assignment

The assignment was as follows:

Your character is masturbating and someone is watching them.
Write about what the voyeur sees.

Specific requirements:
* Your story is between 225-250 words in total. No less, no more.
* Give your story a title of 2-4 words.

@Rebelsnotes

Will They? #19

Friday afternoon, early finish, “Hometime!” Elsa smiled, except she wasn’t going home. She was staying at her sisters. Her marriage had broken down and Hayley’s was the only place available. ‘Quick shower, change, and then out with my girls’ she couldn’t stand another night of ‘I told you so’s’ from her holier than thou sis. Hayley had landed lucky with Adam, took him for granted. He was always working away, ‘probably why their marriage has lasted’ she chuckled.

Entering the house, she was alarmed to hear music. Hayley wasn’t home, the drive was empty. She tentatively walked upstairs, seeing the bathroom door ajar, strains of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Everywhere’ echoing out.. “FUCK” she gasped, it was Adam, he was back early, and obviously wasn’t expecting company. His toned body reflected in the bathroom mirror, hot water beating down on his torso. Elsa heard a moan and did a double take, “SHIT” she covered her mouth, he was wanking in the shower. She was mesmerised, watching him squirt shower gel into his palm, massaging his thick shaft, dragging his foreskin back pumping, harder and faster.

Biting her lip,senses heightened, Elsa couldn’t help but slip her hand inside her pants, already soaked in anticipation, she knew it was wrong but it felt so good. Pressing her clit, she looked up, just as their eyes met… “oh fuck, ADAM!”

The Feedback

Marsha Adams – “19) Best line: “…massaging his thick shaft, dragging his foreskin back pumping, harder and faster.”
This had issues with paragraphing and punctuation which made some sentences difficult to parse (e.g. single quotes around dialogue which contains apostrophes). Cleaned up—like Adam—it might make a good opening to an interesting story, but as it is, it has too much background and not enough description to paint an enticing picture.”

Posy Churchgate – “(19) Well handled, scene very well portrayed, watch out for punctuation of dialogue.”

Marie Rebelle – “19. Will They?
I am sorry, but there were so many things in this story that made it difficult to read. I believe “staying at her sisters” should be “staying at her sister’s” as it’s only one sister, and you are talking about her place. At some places you used double quotation marks, and at others single ones which makes it unclear whether some words are thoughts and others spoken.
Editor: “Hometime” = 2 words. The text starting with “She tentatively walked…” and ending with “… expecting company.” is seen as one sentence because of the ‘..’
Here a space is missing: “… lip,senses …”
Flesch Reading Ease: 69.8″

May More –

19) WILL THEY?

This flowed nicely, not only that I know who the characters are and what circumstance are like for them too. Good job. I could hear and see this story.

Don’t like use of capitals.

Here are all of the entries for Round Three of SmutMarathon