The Assignment
The assignment was:
Write a story that features dancing.
Specific requirements:
@Rebelsnotes
– Your story is between 275-325 words in total. No less, no more.
– Give your story a title of maximum 2-4 words
Dinner Dance #33
“Pass the knife please babe, I’ll chop the mushrooms.”
Melissa smiled warmly as Daniel responded. She wasn’t used to someone cooking with her and despite her love of fine dining, this was different, imaginative, thoughtful. It was her first time staying over, yet already, she felt at ease.
Daniel poured two glasses of wine as they prepared dinner, “I picked up profiteroles too.”
Melissa bit her lip, coyly questioning, “Is that all you want for dessert?”
Daniel looked her up and down, sporting her favourite polka dot dress with sheer stockings, just as promised.
“Music?” she enquired, already pairing the speaker before Daniel even answered. As she seductively stirred cream into the white sauce, he moved behind her. Just as the chords to her favourite song chimed out, Daniel grabbed Melissa’s arm, spinning her around, her feet gliding across the tiled floor.
“Shall we?” he grinned, as Lennon’s vocals blared out, ‘I Want You’. Their bodies pressed together, lost in each others eyes, swaying, rhythmically to the beat. Melissa felt Daniel’s hand grip her arse, pulling her closer as they gyrated, grinding on his thigh.
Bodies twisted, their mouths finally connected, Daniel tugged firmly at her lower lip. Moaning into the kiss as he hardened against her, taking her hand, pulling her into a pirouette. Daniel led Melissa to the dining table, resting her forearms upon it. Lifting her dress, revealing her lack of underwear, Daniel’s breathing hitched at the sight.
Unbuckling his jeans, sending them tumbling to the floor. Pressing his tip against her already soaked entrance, he pushed forcefully inside. Melissa groaned her approval, their rhythm matching the beat, their dance turning carnal. Wrapping her long blonde hair around his hand, pulling her onto tiptoes, pounding deep inside her. Moving his hand round to pinch and tease her clit, moaning her name as he frantically brought her to a shuddering climax.
“We’d better finish making this lasagne, I’m even hungrier now.”
The Feedback
Beforesunset49 – “33. Dinner Dance – It’s a sexy scene but it needs more context and character to engage me. Reading this, I realised how writing in the third person, as an anonymous narrator, makes it particularly challenging to convey your protagonists in three dimensions. How different might it have been if you’d written this story from the point of view of either Daniel or Melissa?”
Dirty Romantic – “33) DINNER DANCE – this was a nice scene. Well written and thought out. The scene was believable and an element of background to get me interested. Just not quite enough to make it stand out from others though”
AuthorJenDragon –
33) DINNER DANCE
I’m a sucker for scenes that riff on domesticity and traditional gender roles, while also subverting them. Here the pairing of an almost 50s aesthetic with, well, the ‘pairing’ of a speaker is particularly satisfying, as are the opening and closing lines, their shared nonchalance illustrating just how much spontaneous sex infuses this couple’s lives, whilst also beautifully bookending the narrative. A strong contender for a vote.
Marie Rebelle – 33. Dinner Dance
I like how the way you have built up this story almost feels like music that starts gently and then builds up to a crescendo, and a nice, satisfying ending. There are some sentences that don’t have an active verb, which (to me) came across as a slightly false note in your music, such as “Moaning into the kiss as he hardened against her, taking her hand, pulling her into a pirouette.” and “Unbuckling his jeans, sending them tumbling to the floor.” and “Wrapping her long blonde hair around his hand, pulling her onto tiptoes, pounding deep inside her.”
Editor:
* “lost in each others eyes” should be “lost in each other’s eyes”.
* Remove comma after ‘swaying’ in “swaying, rhythmically”.
* Overused words: -ly adverb (remove 1), initial – ing (remove 5), feel/feels/feeling/felt (remove 1).
* Summary: Overall = 94/100 (Grammar: 82 / Spelling: 100 / Style: 100)
* Flesch Reading Ease: 67.2
Brigit Delaney – 33.Dinner Dance *
Star: I get a good sense of the connection between these two characters.
Star: I found this to be both romantic and sexy.
Wish: The sex bit was over so quickly! Damned word count.
Marsha Adams –
33) A hot scene (all urgent fucks over kitchen tables get my attention) that doesn’t quite make the grade due to telling, not showing, at times (I want to know what “seductive stirring” looks like) and some incongruous word choices (e.g. “blared” for Lennon’s vocals, which aren’t loud or harsh; and “coyly questioning” where ‘asking’ would have been simpler, and nothing at all would have been better still because the lip bite and the question mark could do the job of showing without telling). And as a keen cook, I don’t think they’re going back to making lasagne, because that sauce is ruined.
May More –
33) DINNER DANCE
I took this relatively normal scene through in my cut as for me it worked. It was hot but also I liked all the detail you included. Things like knowing what song they were listening to – which by the way I love the one you chose.
Beware of making an event read like a list.
Here are all the entries for Round Four of Smutmarathon
Pen Hits Paper 