I Said Hi

Tell em all I said Hi, hope you’ve been well. You’ve been asleep while I’ve been in hell.
Tell em all I said Hi, have a nice day. I’ll be just fine don’t worry bout me.

Amy Shark – I Said Hi!

I recently heard this song for the first time, and I had never heard of this talented Australian.
I mean Amy Shark may not be the most fortunate of names now after the global pinkfong success of Baby Shark, or maybe it will make her more memorable.
I misheard the Lyric at first and thought it was “Tell your mom I said Hi” which really made no sense. Had it been a male vocal then it could have been a totally different story.

Anyway, enough of my rambling about the inspiration behind this post. I guess I’d better write about what I really wanted to cover. I don’t think it will be easy so bear with me. I will endeavour not to make it a mindless rant.

‘Tell em all I said Hi’ – The fact is, that you don’t need to. They are probably reading, or maybe one of them is and they will start the jungle drums beating.
I still hear the whispers now, almost 12 months on.
I still see the signs. Unwittingly blocked by people I have interacted with, purely on the timeline. Why? Because someone that believed they knew me told them to.

Twitter is a big place, but it’s also a small place. You never fully know who’s behind a screen, and even when you do know, you don’t “know” them, you know what they want you to see. That’s why I am careful about who I trust, because even people you have spent time with and looked into the whites of their eyes, aren’t always as they seem.
Make no mistake, ‘some’ people absolutely will use whatever they can against you. I was shocked to see a name from my past appear today. Someone I once considered a friend, who decided to take sides over something she knew very little about.

It knocked me for six, because yes, even twelve months on, they are still there. Still trying to destroy me.
They believed I threatened them. I didn’t.
They said they had contacted the police about me and these threats. They didn’t. How do I know? Because I contacted the Met police on 101 myself and asked them how I could get my laptop and mobile checked over a case that had been brought against me. There was no case, it was an agenda, to back up what they were saying about me.

I had ranting videos about me, threads with my images and personal details shared. They thought they were doing people a service. Obviously so did twitter as they left my details there for anyone to see.
I had a parody account set up in my name, with my pictures. There just to annoy and troll people pretending it was me. What did twitter do when this account was reported. MADE ME prove that I was actually me. Unbelievable! I did and the account went.

Still though, every so often, I get a nudge to remind me that they are there and still watching. A friend I had spoken to in public, got a DM from an anonymous account asking her to “Calm the sex chat down as David is my otherhalf” If it wasn’t so unbelievably freakish it would be funny.
If only I had an “Other half” or even some sex chat!

Then a comment on my blog, claiming to be from one of my good friends, blowing up at me because I had given them the impression that I was interested in them, but everybody knew who I was, and I quote “shagging” ..
Sadly, once again they either at best underestimated the friendships I had formed, or at worst just wanted to stir up trouble between two innocent bystanders. Again, if it wasn’t so batshit mental, it would be funny.

The funny thing is, those around you always claim to talk about how important mental health is. The IP addresses of all of the above have been logged, just in case I ever need them. I suspect the threats that you claimed were from me, were probably from someone you know to make it look more authentic.
I am not the kind of person to make threats. I am the kind of person to walk away and never look back. Maybe that was your problem in the first place.

So, If you are reading, why not exercise one of these two options.

Either GROW UP and leave me and those who I interact with well alone. Let people judge me on how I am with them rather than how you and your ‘friends’ perceived me 12 months ago. Or GROW A PAIR and tell me what you want. An apology? What? My DMS are unlocked. My number hasn’t changed…

Nobody’s perfect

I hate that I let you down, and I feel so bad about it. I guess karma comes back around, cos now I’m the one that’s hurting.

Jessie J

This song randomly came on this week, and back in the day I listened to it alot. It’s been noted before that music touches your soul and creates memories. Sometimes the memories are good, often, not so good. It’s always the lyrics rather than the melody that cut deep when you’re feeling sad, and that makes sense. When you’re happy, you want to dance like no one’s watching. When you’re sad you simply want to curl up, be numb and let the world pass you by. When this song came on, I listened, I was mesmerised, in a glassy eyed daze and I just kept repeating it over and over and over. Every single word resonated deep inside me.

I’ve been thinking alot about Karma, social media is rife for people wishing Karma on those that have wronged them. One recent incident was someone who’d been hurt by their partner years ago. Their partner came home one day and said they’d connected with someone else and it was over. The ‘wronged’ person, years later had connected with someone that was already in the burgeoning steps of a relationship. Incredibly they were wishing that their new connection would choose them ahead of this person’s partner. Quite happily praying that this would be the universes way of paying it forward.

I mean that’s gross isn’t it? Wishing ill on someone you have never met, who you don’t even know, who has done precisely nothing to you. That’s not karma,  that’s just vile. Two wrongs definitely don’t make a right, and surely if the person you snatch is capable of doing that to be with you. They are capable of doing that to you?

Having read up on Karma, it’s more about getting back what you give. You send kindness to someone, anyone and at some point down the line, that kindness comes back to you. Not in a mirror form, not in the same way it was sent. It’s like yin and yang, it’s like the theory that every action has a reaction in a way. Everything you say,  everything you do, has a cause and effect. That being said, I was left disappointed recently. Something that I was looking forward to happening didn’t, I was hugely excited cos you know things like this don’t happen to me, (and I was right, they don’t). I’m sure this person never meant to cause any disappointment, I won’t say hurt because it really wasn’t. You can’t miss something you’ve never had. Ultimately, they owed me nothing, having never met. Things change and that’s when people can’t cope. Change scares alot of people, when something is planned or scheduled, alot of people don’t bank on needing a plan B, C or D. Thankfully, I can process things, one of my closest friends always is in awe of my ability to compartmentalise things. Once something is done, I accept it, box it up, and move on. There’s literally nothing to be gained over mourning or stressing about things you can’t change or influence.

Anyway, the more I replayed this event in my head, the more it reminded me of something I’d done to someone. The parallels were there for all to see, even the month it occurred was the same. As the lyrics from Jessie J chimed out

And I hate that I made you think that the trust we had is broken
So don’t tell me you can’t forgive me
‘Cause nobody’s perfect,

Jessie J

It is almost like this song was written for what I did. I connected with someone, didn’t believe it was going to go anywhere and just before we met I let her down. She did forgive me, and tried and tried to keep that connection, but ultimately it was just too hard. I guess that’s because it was a very real connection. That’s my only consolation from that mess. At the time, I was upset, but also kept convincing myself that we hadn’t met, we’d made no promises, we ultimately didn’t owe each other anything.

Fast forward to a similar event happening to me, and albeit it was a much smaller disappointment, and less had been invested in it, but ultimately it made me realise how badly I had treated someone. Everything for a reason and I guess this was my lesson.

Never underestimate the power of your words and actions on another person. You can lift them up and slam them down far more easily than you can ever imagine. Behind a screen it’s even worse because you know, you can’t see someones tears behind a screen.

It’s strange how the world operates, but just as I’d began to compute what I was dealing with, I saw an unusual message from someone I’ve known on and off for a while. Someone who lights up wherever she goes, someone who never ceases to make people smile. I reached out and checked in. The conversation flowed and I must have struck a chord because just like that, everything came out. It was like I’d undone the pressure cap and my word my heart ached. I completely forgot about my insignificant woes and listened intently to someone who was struggling so much. I had no idea, but why would I? Take a happy selfie, post a silly picture, tell a stupid joke (they are stupid mate) and everyone behind a screen smiles and laughs. Who’s making you laugh though?

Social media is a blessing and a curse, it can lift these lonely moments, on demand company from people who share the same interests. But, let your guard down and it can consume you, take over your life, so much so that you find yourself checking WhatsApp last seen, hoping upon hope that someone who doesn’t deserve you is okay. You become a social media version of yourself and when the screen lights up, it’s show time, put on your happy face and please your audience when inside you heart is shattering.

It’s okay not to be okay, Karma really doesn’t work as a mirror and I know my incident wasn’t karma, it was just a way of ending a connection that wasn’t necessary and leading me to a new one that absolutely was, for both of us.

Everything for a reason, no matter how hard it is and how many tears it causes. People that are meant to be there will be, and people that care will always step up, even when you don’t know you need them.

Swinging Bombs

Come out the corner, trade swinging bombs

Citylightz

Twelve months ago today, I didn’t even know the song ‘Swinging Bombs‘ existed and I’d never even heard of Citylightz in fact, even up to mid march when lockdown happened, they’d not even come on my radar. That’s understandable though, life was busy and I was on the periphery of new music, mainly focused on the scene in the north west.
I mean it’s not a bad place to be, being involved in gigs on Merseyside and Cheshire. There’s such a hotbed of talent in and around these areas, no doubt inspired by the likes of the Beatles, Cast, Oasis, The Stone Roses, Happy Mondays, Joy Division and the Verve. I mean that’s a stellar line up of music that any area in the world would find it impossible to match, yet you can circle a small part of the UK and cover every single one of those bands and probably travel to each of their birthplaces within a couple of hours!
But enough about that, before I go on to the point of this blog, Citylightz have been around the block but in their current guise have only been around since 2018. Finally defining the rock and road sound, that has a touch of indie, a touch of rap and a touch of ska, the boys from the west midlands are certainly striking a chord with their fans, and are probably one of the most engaging bands you will ever see on social media.

So, what does Swinging Bombs mean to me. Well, with 2020 being the way it is, sometimes it feels like no matter how many things this year throws at you, you have to dust yourself off and get back up and come out all guns blazing once more.
My 2019 was shit, it started horrendously and didn’t really improve. I made a few little mistakes and they came back to haunt me tenfold. I won’t go into detail as it’s absolutely boring but needless to say, it changed how I was, how open I was, who I trusted and how I behaved to people. No more protecting peoples feelings, just the bluntness and honesty people deserve but sometimes don’t want.

Fast forward to 2020 and a new year began full of hope and anticipation. Days by the sea, someone that cared and stuck by me on a bumpy road, things were indeed looking up, but once again a gut punch. Just after St Patricks day, lockdown hit and brought the country to a standstill. Slowly but surely that connection faded and after a while, I was faced with the reality that my heart had already become accustomed to. I can’t say it was all lockdowns fault. I believe it was just bad timing, but even if it wasn’t, another lesson learned after a whirlwind couple of months. Remember, what’s meant for you, won’t pass you by.

Dust yourself off, pick yourself up, get back into it. No matter how many times 2020 has had me on the ropes, I’ve inevitably discovered who is in my corner. One by one, as people have drifted, others have stood up, pep talks, sustenance, new approaches, and a little bit of vaseline (steady) to mask over those wounds, NONE of which have cut deep. It’s amazing what a little confidence and belief can do for you. If you never get hit, you’ll never be tested. It’s okay to dodge a few jabs, but the true test is when you get that unexpected uppercut. Do your knees go and you fall to the floor, or do you stand tall and come back.

For me, as we approach the final 3 rounds of 2020, I can see the finish line, and the prize is right in front of my eyes, I can almost touch it. I’ve been gifted a golden opportunity, but the secret will be holding onto it until the final bell rings on 2020. So as of next week, this is where I come out fighting with my very own Swinging Bombs…

TBC..

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Chasing Rainbows

I could deny, but I’ll never realise, I’m just chasing rainbows all the time

Shed Seven – Chasing Rainbows

Following on from the ‘Better Man‘ post, I was listening to the Radio when Shed Seven’s ‘Chasing Rainbows’ came on. I have been lucky enough to see them perform a few times now and it still astounds me that they were never as big as they should have been. At Shedcember a couple of years ago at Castlefield Bowl this song literally gave me goosebumps.

So I just thought I’d give this song a go and see what words fell out of my mind, and knowing its Andie’s favourite song and some of the challenges she’s faced, I thought i’d write it with her in mind.

‘There’s things that I regret‘ chimes out the opening line.
What do you regret?

In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take

Lewis Carroll

I try not to regret anything, after all, we are where we are meant to be. I was absolutely certain I would end up living in Australia. If I did, I wouldn’t have 12 and I wouldn’t swap her for the world. I’d have probably had kids with someone else no doubt, but it wouldn’t be the same. I might be living a better life in a better climate or I might have been homesick and missing my family. There’s no point wondering though as I can’t change that now. It’s all about how you play the hand you’ve been dealt and to be honest, my life is just fine at the moment. I have a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, things to keep me busy in music, writing and rugby, plus great family and amazing friends, both real and virtual.
In fact, I took a chance a few weeks ago. Something I was hugely nervous about doing, but I did it, encouraged by the belief in me that people had helped instil. I know if I hadn’t, I’d have forever wondered and would have kicked myself had I left it too late. I guess this was my real chasing rainbows moment of 2020, and whilst the pot of gold isn’t quite in my grasp, it’s closer than it’s ever been. This stuff just never happens to me! It’s too early to judge if it was a success, but as for now, it paid off handsomely, and I genuinely couldn’t be more excited or happier about it, but maybe that’s a story to be told on another day.

Back to ‘Chasing rainbows’ though. What I wanted from life in my younger years has changed vastly. When you’re a kid, you want to be a footballer or an astronaut or a rock star. Fame, fortune and all the trappings appeal don’t they? As I got older, well, that really did change. When you ask people what they want to be or what they wanted to be, no one says ‘Happy’, or ‘Content’.

We always want things, I remember as a kid always wanting a new bike, or games console. Don’t get me wrong, although we didn’t have alot of money, I never wanted for anything. However, now I am older, the things I remember are the little things, drinking the froth off a Mackeson Stout out of my Grandmas vase like glass. My neighbour taking me on long walks with ‘Midge’ the German Shepherd and pointing out all of the constellations. It’s not the activities that made those things though, it’s the people. It wasn’t what I did, it was who I did it with. People full of love and kindness, who cared and wanted to make ME happy.
Just yesterday me and 12 took a trip to Blackpool and met Scott and Kay and the best part of the day was seeing how welcome they made my daughter. She will remember Blackpool, and the walk on the prom, and the rock and the keyrings that she was so kindly bought, but she will remember how interested they were as she regaled tales of Ariana Grande, and her pets to them. It truly warmed my heart to see how they were with her and I will be forever grateful. She is good company, but the ease at which she felt with them wasn’t a fluke.

So yes, Chasing Rainbows for me is all about finding your happiness, but surround yourself with the right people, and the rainbow chases you.

Better Man

Oh you’d trade all the money in the world, to see this girl smile. All the while, she’ll make you feel so much better.

Better Man – Paolo Nutini

Have you ever had someone in your life, that whenever you speak about them, your face beams? So much so that people comment on it. That pure adrenaline rush and excitement whenever you hear their name. Let alone speak to them. That’s the dream isn’t it? Someone that puts you first, someone that adores you for who you are.

Following on from my ‘Precious Time‘ blog, I put a call out asking for inspiration and had a few replies. This one stood out though, because it wasn’t just a song title, it was a little request about the interpretation too.

I’m not sure I’m an expert on what makes a better person in a relationship considering I’m single right now, but Lisa, I’ll give it a go. However before I do I need to tell you about Lisa.

I’ve only known Lisa for a couple of months, but if I was to tell you the three things that stand out from my limited interactions with her, they’d be 1) Her love for her boys 2) her dancing and 3) the biggest smile I’ve ever known.

There is a fourth thing but I’ll let the video of naughty alexa speak for itself.

Lisa’s Periscope

I used to always believe that being a better person in a relationship was doing ‘anything’ for your partner. To some extent that’s true, but not if it’s to your detriment. Here’s an example of a past relationship, the first one after I had ‘Failed’ at marriage, I was so desperate to make it work. ‘D’ had gone out on a Bank Holiday Monday with her sisters. Nothing unusual there. I need to add that D had only just connected with one of the sisters who was the product of an affair. I’m not a big ‘at home’ drinker, even in lock down it was once a week at most. Back when I was with D, she would have a glass of wine each night, without fail, sometimes more. Anyway, this particular day she was out in the afternoon, for food and drinks. Now, when I am in a relationship and my other half goes out, I leave them be, of course if they message, I will reply but I never instigate the conversation as they are out. I assumed she’d be back maybe 10/11pm after a full afternoon session. The day wore on and I busied myself with chores before settling down for an evening of sport. As the night fell, the messages were less and less and then at 10pm, I got the dreaded 1 tick on whatsapp, battery must have died. 10pm became 11 and 11 became midnight with still no signs. I messaged her sister to see if she was okay, but the same. One tick. I sloped up to bed, still not overly concerned as they were in a group and despite ‘D’ sometimes not knowing when to stop, she was in good company. 2AM came and went with me tossing and turning and then my thoughts started to wander. What if she had been separated from her sisters, what if some chancer had assured her he would help her and took her off .. I started to feel a little anxious and definitely couldn’t sleep. I tried calling but straight to voicemail. It was just awful. At 4:30 I finally received a message, followed by a whispered phone call. I have NEVER felt so relieved. Clearly still drunk, ‘D’ explained she’d gone back to her sisters to ensure she was home okay, as she put her inside the front door, her sister threw up all over the floor her husband was laying. He came down raging so she stayed to help her clean up. Then must have fallen asleep, but didn’t know where her bag was and her phone was dead so she couldn’t call a taxi. Anyway, I told her I would go and pick her up, rather than have her wait for a taxi and waste money, at least that way I’d know she was safe sooner. I picked her up and as we got home, the birds were tweeting and dawn was breaking. My alarm went off, just one hour later and I went to work. I messaged her at 9am to check she’d got to work okay. No reply. Then again at 10, and to my surprise she told me she’d phoned in sick and was going back to sleep. Amazing, but whats even worse is I never once gave her a hard time for it, such was my desire to please.

So yes, lesson one right there, by all means make someone feel special, but it needs to be balanced. They need to feel lucky too. If you put them on a pedestal, they will believe it. I am not saying don’t go out your way for them. I’m guess I am saying be honest. Knowledge is power and only information can lead to informed decisions. Be honest. We are all guilty of sometimes delaying things or hiding them just to protect someones feelings but TRUST me on this one, it’s much better to be honest. People are scared of change or loss, but if someones going to go because of your honesty to them, chances are they were never going to stay in the first place.

What else makes a better man? Taking an interest, making an effort, from DAY 1. Ask questions? Even in friendships, when I am speaking to someone new, I take an interest, make it fun and different. The amount of times I have been told I am intriguing is insane. Don’t just ask what their fav tv show is or the first record they bought. Ask them things that will make them think and stimulate their mind. As you get older, looks take less precedence than before. People look for their minds and souls to be ignited as well as their eyes.

Be lighthearted. I know I am good fun, I’m easygoing and don’t take myself seriously, a quick look through my media history in twitter proves it. The amount of times I get told I am funny though, yet i still don’t believe it.

Be true, It’s okay to have different interests and whilst it’s nice to occasionally involve someone, it’s also okay to just enjoy what you do with those you do it with.

Pay attention – I guess this will be my longest element of this blog, and that’s exactly what I’m going to say. Pay attention. When she’s talking to you, either face to face or virtually before you meet “Listen”. If you don’t have a weird ass memory like me, make notes of her favourite songs, meals, when her birthday is It’s not that hard. Earlier in the year I was going on a date in an unfamiliar town. I had literally never been there in my entire life. I did a little bit of research, I listened when she said she loved meat but not any pork products like bacon or sausage or gammon etc and after a bit of digging plumped on the Brazilian Rodizio that was the top rated restaurant there on trip advisor. After we went our separate ways, ( we parted on good terms) she thanked me for that meal in particular and told me it was the happiest she can remember being. Nice Huh? All that from just listening and paying attention. Women may seem complex sometimes, but they really aren’t. They want to feel cared for, cherished, they want to feel desired and safe. They want a guy to have their back who they can rely on and not let them down.

Oh That Girl Makes Me Wanna be A Better Man, And Should She See Fit, Gonna Treat Her Like A real Man Can

Paolo Nutini – Better Man

Precious Time

I’ll need heart and I’ll need courage, We all need time, so let time work for us.

The Maccabees – ‘Precious Time’

Recently, I have had a few friends thank me for taking the time to listen to them. It’s been a strange year but I have noticed, as things start to get back to the new normal (kids back at school, workers back in offices) more and more people have had troubles. It’s almost like the Covid-19 bubble was a safe place. In our homes, away from real life, companies that would normally be calling you asking if you had an accident that wasn’t your fault stopped calling, letters asking for charity donations stopped appearing through the letterbox. It was like life was paused.

My Aunt was the kindest person I have ever known. Selfless, generous, caring and kind. She once said to me that the best gift you can give someone is your time. You can’t refund it or exchange it. Since she sadly passed, I have tried more than ever to be kind. I don’t always get it right and I’m afraid to say that I have hurt some people I shouldn’t have. However, I have learned from each and every mistake. As long as you try to be better each day, that’s a good thing right?

So back to my point, life shouldn’t be about expensive gifts, or grand gestures. It’s the little things. One of my friends was walking home late one night, but she was alone and afraid. It was past 1am, but I was half awake so I called her to virtually keep her company. After 20 minutes, I asked how long this walk was, she replied “Sorry, I’ve been home 10 minutes, I just liked talking to you”.

I did a personalised playlist for someone else, and she responded with, ‘It’s the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done ever’. I mean it’s not hard to do a playlist for someone. To pay attention to what they like. But not everyone does.

Another friend was really struggling, she had problems at home, she was stressed to the max with work, her best friend was really unwell, and she had her own health worries to deal with. All in the backdrop of a global pandemic. Each time she unloaded she was apologetic. ‘Sorry I am not much fun’, or ‘You don’t want to hear me complaining’. But I did. If it helped her then why not. I didn’t lose sleep over it, I am not directly impacted, but sometimes saying things out loud to someone with no agenda helps. You kind of discover the answers yourself. You can either think, ‘Yes this is valid’, or ‘What an idiot, what was I thinking?’

Listening without prejudice is such a difficult thing. I am not one for blowing my own trumpet but having been brought up around females, I make a pretty good listener. I’ll let you into my secret. It’s simply listening, don’t make it about you. Don’t say ‘you should do this’. If they ask for advice, phrase it a little better, ‘Well if I was in that situation, I would do this because of xxx’.

Usually people don’t want answers, they want to offload, they normally know deep down what they want. As the song says “and I’ll need heart and I’ll need courage’. It’s about that final step. If you have ever done a bungee or parachute jump, or took a dive in a swimming pool or slid down a steep water slide, the scariest point is that final moment, that leap of faith, that applies in life too. Once you take that plunge, make that decision, and there is no going back It’s liberating and empowering.

Sure, it doesn’t always work out, but it’s so much easier to handle a setback than go stir crazy wondering. The relief of knowing is palpable. Another famous phrase is, ‘It’s the hope that kills you!’ Again this is true. I am so organised and I hate being late, but when things are out of my control, I’d rather be hopelessly late than spend those final moments, worrying, wondering. Once your fate is confirmed, it’s easier to deal with.

Another piece of advice my Aunt gave me was to worry about things you can control. That phrase has saved me many sleepless nights, I mean if you can’t actually change or stop something, you are wasting precious energy that you need for other things. Obviously there are some things such as money worries that you can’t ignore, if the downside leaves you without a roof over your head or food on the table for your family. But, even then there is hope if you talk to someone. There is no point burying your head in the sand like an Ostrich, just be brave and puff your chest out like a Flamingo 🙂 .

Belief

an acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof.

trust, faith, or confidence in (someone or something).

As the night draws to a close on World Suicide Prevention Day, I felt compelled to write something, anything. I dread to think what this years statistics will look like as the fall out of not just the mental effects of lockdown start to take their toll, but also the effect of Covid 19 on those brave brave NHS workers who literally, helplessly, watched people die from this awful disease. That being said, lockdown does seem to have given us something of a renaissance in communicating with people virtually both new and old friends. How many messages did you send to people you had lost touch with, just checking in, seeing how they were doing? or how many new friends did you make on social media like Twitter?

Men aged 45-49 still have the highest rate of suicides.

Samaritans Key Trends 2019

Fortunately, I have never been closely connected to anyone that has taken that dark decision to end their life, believing that it’s the best, or sometimes the only option. I know people who have though, and the lasting impression that this leaves on those left behind, is just as devastating. People thinking, “why didn’t I do something?” Blaming themselves for not seeing the signs or responding to them. People that take their own lives, aren’t cowards, it’s a daunting step to do something where you know it will lead to your final breath. It leaves an indelible mark on those left behind, who are left with a life sentence of their own coming to terms with such a sad, cruel, and in many cases avoidable loss.

Suicide rate for females under 25 in England & Wales has risen by 93.8% since 2012

Samaritans Key Trends 2019

I’ve been there. Only once and once was enough to scare me senseless. I was nineteen, maybe twenty. I was a cocktail bartender in a busy town centre pub. The managers there were, (and still are) like a second family to me. I worked with my oldest friend, who I had grown up with from the age of 3. I had a loving family. Yet still, STILL, that dark winters night, when my confidence had taken a beating, I thought for a few moments about just ending it all.

The pub was 2 miles from my home, and after we finished serving at 11pm (ask your parents you young uns) I would sometimes call at the Asda and grab a bite to eat. Then I’d stick a film on my Playstation 2 (usually Men in Black or Independence Day (The originals not these reboot shite)) and settle down ready for my alarm to go back to work in the morning. This one night though, I didn’t go to Asda, I just felt numb. I got in my little Blue Ford Escort and sat looking up at the moon and the stars. I have always been fascinated by the moon, especially when you can see the craters. It looks so peaceful and still up there, and at that point, that’s what I felt like I wanted. I turned the ignition, and started the journey home. About a third of the way home, there is a railway bridge, and the road narrows as the bridge juts out at an awkward angle. I started to pick up speed as it’s pretty much a straight line to that point. The only movement came from my eyes as I checked the speed, and my right foot as I continued to press hard on the accelerator. I was way over the speed limit as my hands froze, locked on the wheel not moving it to steer me away from the stonewall structure of the bridge. The road was desolate, as was my heart at that moment. I don’t even know why. I didn’t even have a girlfriend at that time such was my luck in love. Maybe that’s what it was, maybe I just felt lonely. As the car moved ever closer to the bridge, my heart pounding so loud it felt like it would burst my ear drums, my eyes staring only at the structure in front of me, something caught my eye. It could have been a cat or a fox, or even just a weird reflection, but in that instance I snapped out of it, eased my foot of the accelerator and steered gently away from the bridge safely home.

I guess my point is, as a young lad, with not a care in the world, with good friends and family, it can happen to anyone. I consider myself fortunate really. That I have people that believe in me.

Belief is such a precious commodity, and the first step for anyone with troubles is having someone believe in them. It’s coming up to 12 months since I made a new friend on Twitter. She was funny, and kind, but so very sad. Her life had been turned upside down when her partner cheated with a neighbour. She had to face this reality every day, getting anxious every time she left the house. We first started talking about writing, and I encouraged her (as I do with anyone) to write. People worry about if it’s any good. My view is, I am writing as my release, my escape, so as long as I like it, I don’t mind what others think. Of course, it’s lovely when someone says your writing resonated with them or they enjoyed it but when you start to like what you write, you believe in yourself. Anyway, my friend told me that she always wanted to live by the sea. When an opportunity came up a few months later, I encouraged her, “Why can’t you?” I gave her some belief and a little encouragement and she decided to do it. here we are and she is a world away from those dark times, living by the sea. She still says that my belief in her was a big factor that led her to make that choice, but to me it was nothing. Just a bit of kindness and honesty. Big things aren’t big things when you take them apart.

Belief can also be a bad thing. I won’t focus too much on it, but not everything is black and white. Just because someone has a good reputation, doesn’t mean they are telling the truth. Sometimes it can be their version of the truth which is a very different matter. I know that there are 3 sides to every story, so I try not to form opinions based on someone else’s feedback. I take people as they come, and treat them accordingly. In this day and age though, we each have a responsibility with regards to what we are saying, especially on social media, when it is put out there on a platform, for all to see forever.

Is It True, Is It Kind, Is It Necessary

Bernar Melter

I see many people tweeting about mental health, but sometimes these are the ones not adhering to the quote above and it makes me so sad. But, for every unkind person there are a whole heap of kind ones. You see, when people believe in you, eventually you start to feel it yourself. Especially when those people are practically strangers, who ultimately owe you nothing. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the kindness of strangers who are now friends. Likewise, I try and pay it back, I can think of two people in particular who just give without asking and feel guilty for taking. Two people who feel every heartache and almost cry every tear for someone else who is hurting. The biggest compliment I can give myself is that they allowed me in. They trust me with things, and seem to appreciate my ear or words.

I guess my final point is to stress to anyone who is reading this, who is having a bad day, or week or month or year … I’ll be there for you. (Oh come on you sang the theme in your head right?)

Seriously though, I would hate for anyone reading this to think they have no one. There is always a way, help is there, and the hardest part is asking for it. You can contact me via my blog or by Twitter. I can’t promise I can fix anything, but I can promise I will listen and give my perspective. No judgement. There are so many little things that can be done to make yourself feel brighter, but you’ve got to want to.

I will ALWAYS leave a light on for anyone that needs it.

If you are too embarrassed to speak to me then please try and contact The Samaritans or CALM it can even be done via webchat these days if you don’t like the sound of your own voice (who does) . #BeKind

Music And Lyrics

No no, not the ‘noughties’ Hugh Grant Rom-com silly. I just mean literally Music & Lyrics. I have heard a phrase uttered in many different ways but basically relates to
“When you’re happy you hear the melody, but when you’re sad you hear the lyrics”
It’s true, as a rugby league fan, there are songs that are played at the end of both major finals. Having been fortunate enough to witness my side win many finals, whenever I hear the opening chords to Depeche Modes’ Just Can’t Get Enough or Hermes House Bands version of Country Roads I can’t help but be transported back to those stadiums, a sea of cherry and white, and smiling faces, of friends and strangers but particularly of my daughter. But it’s those distinctive sounds that bring a smile to my face.

Conversely, when I hear Mr.Brightside, despite the catchy guitar riff, it’s the lyrics that remind me of a love once lost.

It Started Out With A Kiss, How Did It End Up Like This

The Killers – Mr Brightside

Additionally, Fleetwood Mac’s Go Your Own Way

Loving You, Isn’t The Right Thing To Do

Fleetwood Mac – Go Your Own Way

My final example was actually quoted to me by someone about me, when I kinda messed up something before it even had a chance. Blackout by Freya Ridings.

If you’d have just let me in, who knows what could have been…

Freya Ridings – Blackout

Even songs with no meaning to me, make me feel in the moment, like no other artform can.
Another song by Freya Ridings always hits me hard.
Lost without you
“Standing at the platform, watching you go, it’s like no other pain, I’ve ever known.
To Love someone so much, to have no control, you said I wanna see the world and I said Go.”
Typing this whilst listening to the song, with a lump in my throat. you see love is the most powerful emotion. It can lift you up and slam you down, like nothing else on earth. Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts, that you spend nights alone, not sleeping because you are consumed by thoughts of that person? Sometimes they are good thoughts, excited because you get to see them tomorrow. Sadly, other times they are grief riddled thoughts, praying for that message to come through, worrying if they are safe, or if they are being faithful. Gut wrenching, pit of the stomach fear.

Even songs of Friendship can send a shiver down your spine. One of the most powerful songs I have ever heard is Tom Walkers’ – I Will Leave A Light On

If you look into the distance, there’s a house upon a hill,
Guiding like a lighthouse, it’s a place where you’ll be safe to feel our grace,
Cos we’ve all made mistakes, if you’ve lost your way.
I will leave a light on

Tom Walker

Although the song is about a friend losing their way with drugs, it’s poignant on so many levels. We are all human and we all make mistakes. Some bigger than others, but when you’re at rock bottom, the relief when someone takes time for you, that tells you it’ll be okay is indescribable. They might not know it, or believe it, but it’s critical for someone to have faith in you. Once you start believing in yourself again, then you can start to build and flourish.

2020 has been quite a year. My 2019 was pretty crap and as the clock struck on New Year I thought, ‘thank goodness this year is over, next year will be better’. In many respects it hasn’t been. Having a temporary career change, not being able to see my close family because of the Rona’s. A Twitter shitstorm ( which maybe I will write about one day ) It’s definitely been a year of Lyrics rather than Melodies.

However, despite all the downs, losing people that I believed were important and wanted to be a part of my life, there have been many highs too. People I never in a million years expected to stand by me did. I encountered a new crowd of people on twitter and they are all incredible. I’ve connected with people over writing and especially music. I’ve not had any negative experiences and I have found some people that I absolutely cherish. They’ve helped me find the melody in life. A simple message, a tag, a DM makes me smile so much. Being accepted into the #VirtualPubCrawl has been amazing. Every other Saturday my phone goes nuts as people from all over comment and share and follow. All in the name of good music, good laughs and even raising money.

I guess I will end by saying that in my darkest moments in 2020, when I have sat up at night, staring at my phone, wondering if it was me. When I have just sobbed for no reason at all, or over people that ultimately didn’t care. Those deep dark moments have only enhanced how happy I am when things are going right, to cherish them and enjoy them because they should never be taken for granted. Life really is too precious and too short. We only get one crack of it and every day spent being miserable is a day wasted. I am not dismissing those that have very real issues, and my heart goes out to them, but there’s always help, IF you are willing to help yourself. Keep smiling and try to hover towards the songs that give you melodies rather than lyrics when you’re feeling down.

Unconditional Love

Loving Someone you barely know.

Imagine for one second, that you had the unconditional love of someone for seven months. Someone so ecstatic you were in their life, they performed cartwheels in front of strangers. How sweet to know that someone had nothing but unconditional, unadulterated love for you.

Sounds perfect right? The stuff that happens only in movies. I mean real life gets in the way of everyone doesn’t it and we get tired and emotional. Misunderstandings and miscommunication causes all sorts of anxiousness, unrest, jealousy.

Now imagine, knowing that, but not being able to experience it. Imagine craving all of that but never feeling it. The purest most perfect love,, that was there but out of reach. Heart wrenching surely. But, despite the nature of this post, you might believe me when I say I feel like I am the lucky one.

The 25^th May 1940, was the day that my dad was born. Whilst World War Two was gaining momentum, along came a baby, that led me to be sat here writing this. You see, I don’t remember my dad. He was taken away cruelly from me when I was just 7 months old. I grew up without him, I don’t remember when I understood he wasn’t there. He just never was. Sure I was jealous of the kids with the whole family. The dads that took their son to rugby, camping and fishing. The dads that took apart motorcycles and cars.

Just last year, I got help with my car and was taught a few basic things. Someone that looked out for me when I worked for them. When I looked up at the sun that day and took it all in, a tear rolled down my cheek. I realised what I’d missed out on. Dad would definitely have taught me all of these things and some.

My dad could turn his hand to anything. He was clever, funny, kind, was captain of the local cricket team. He worked down the pits but when they closed he trained to be a teacher and taught troubled kids in a rough area in Liverpool. He was training to be a pilot and MADE model aeroplanes. How cool is that!

Dad’s Spitfiire

Do I think of him often? Hell yes! Would I alter my path? Hell No

I used to be angry he wasn’t there. Every birthday and every new year my heart ached, wondering what it would have been like. I’d take a moment alone. My 21^st birthday arrived and was a Saturday. I worked in a bar at the time and my school friends were at University (I wasn’t brave enough to go to Uni). Everyone and I mean everyone expected me to have the night off, but I felt insulted. A night off to do what? Be alone! All my friends at Uni were in the middle of exams. All my friends from the bar were working in the middle of a World Cup (France 98) so I politely declined and pleaded to work. They only relented when I finally snapped back.

“For fucks sake, it’s MY twenty first and I WANT to work. If I had a choice I’d go to the pub for a quiet pint with my DAD but seeing as no one can make that happen, I’ll work please!!”

They obviously relented and I worked. The bar was decorated with posters of me, the screen displayed messages for me. I only ended up working for about an hour and half and then I was spoiled with drinks and gifts” But I still took that moment alone, and thought about Dad later on.

Would I have played cricket at a high level? Would I have flown model aircraft? I think so, but in my Twilight Traveler post for Carolyna Luna states. I wouldn’t change anything. In one of those parallel universes somewhere, there’s no lockdown and Covid-19 and I have made him his favourite dessert (whatever that is, I’ll have to ask my mum) and I am toasting his 80^th birthday.

But here and now, I will just toast him with a scotch later. I take comfort in how excited he was to be finally having a boy. Our only Christmas together he set up a model trainset for me despite me being only 6 months. It’s a photo I cherish.

Yours truly – Christmas 1977

I used to be so annoyed when kids would say “I Hate my dad!” I longed to have real feelings about my dad, they didn’t realise how lucky they were, but as you get older you realise families aren’t perfect, and some of you will have reasons for wishing nothing to do with your dad. I get it. So that’s why I am lucky. A perfect love, a man I can put on a pedestal because he never let me down. A man that cherished me every day, singing Johnny Mathis ‘When a child is born’ endlessly annoying my mum, waiting for me to arrive.

I know I have made mistakes, as we all do. However I think I am a decent person. I certainly believe I inherited his kindness from what others have said and I hope I have done him proud.

So Dad, Happy Birthday. I Love You. David x